Is Couples Counseling Worth a Try?

When a relationship begins to break down, couples will often think about relationship therapy and couples counseling to try to keep the relationship together. Of course counseling ought to be considered. There are circumstances, however, where counseling may not lead to a reconciliation.

Other Factors to Consider

I have found over the years that, in certain circumstances, couples counseling may not be a solution. For example, there are times when one of the partners is challenged by mental health, drug, alcohol or other issues that need to be addressed before couples counseling has any hope of success.

People can be challenged by numerous issues, for example, alcohol or substance abuse, gambling or other forms of addiction, low self-esteem/inadequate or damaged self-image, depression, anxiety, insecurity, PTSD, bi-polar disorder, borderline personality disorder, other forms of emotional/mental instability or emotional immaturity. In some cases, the issues are numerous and overlap.

When a spouse is saddled with these kinds of issues, those issues need to be dealt with by the spouse before there can be any realistic foundation for successful couples counseling. In other words, a spouse with their own personal issues may not have the mental or emotional capacity to engage in couples counselling.

Especially when the issues confronting a spouse are many, it may be very difficult for the person facing multiple issues to adequately deal with them. In my experience, in cases such as these, there is little hope that couples counseling can be effective.

The difficulty is whether the spouse wrestling with personal issues is able and willing to, first of all, recognize that she/he is saddled with those kinds of personal problems. Just like an alcoholic or drug addict needs to recognize that alcohol or drugs is a problem before steps can be taken to address the problem, the narcissist/controlling personality/toxic personality often is not conscious of the fact that they are burdened with these challenges.

Such a person can often be resistant to the suggestion that they have an issue. When such is the case, there is often little that can be done to salvage the relationship. An experienced counselor will recognize early on that relationship counseling will be ineffective.

An experienced couples counselor will often address the issue head on. In cases like this, the counselor will advise both parties that the personal issues must be addressed before couples counseling can be effective. If a spouse saddled with these kinds of issues is unwilling, or unable, to confront them, the other partner must then realize that the relationship cannot be saved and that separation on a permanent basis is likely inevitable.

Of course, when both parties each have their own issues, this is a barrier that is usually insurmountable.

Timing

If a relationship is beginning to break down, that is the time to consider couples counseling. When parties have been in conflict for some time counseling may not have as good a chance at success. Prolonged conflict is usually accompanied by feelings of anger, jealousy, bitterness or other negative emotions.

If a relationship has been disintegrating for some time it is possible that the relationship has drifted past the point of no return. Over time, the angry words that have been exchanged, especially if physical violence has erupted, can mean that the relationship cannot be salvaged.

Source of the Conflict

Conflict between parties in a relationship can flow from many different sources.

The most common source of conflict between married or common-law couples is that which arises from financial difficulty. In today’s world, personal debt is increasing. Increasing levels of credit card, auto loan, mortgage and other forms of debt generate stress. When stress levels increase, conflict between spouses is often the result.

Infidelity is often a cause of relationship breakdown. Infidelity can, and often does, mean that there are other issues at play as well. When a spouse succumbs to the temptation, this adds a layer of complexity.

We have already addressed conflict caused when a spouse is wrestling with personal issues.

What About the Child/Children?

Some partners involved in a relationship that is beginning to break down think that they should stay in the relationship ‘for the sake of the children’.

This approach is often ill-advised since conflict in an adult relationship is on full display for the children to see. Children are often more resilient emotionally than we often give them credit for, however, especially if the conflict has been protracted or if it has degenerated into actual violence, the probability that the children can suffer significant and sometimes severe, emotional harm is usually quite high. In such circumstances, the emotional cost to children remaining in a relationship where there is high conflict often far outweighs the emotional cost to the children of seeing their parents separate.

Summary

Couples counseling is always a good idea. Both parties must, in good faith, be willing to engage in the process. However, if counseling has been tried and has failed, what then?

If a relationship cannot be salvaged, the next step is to attempt to negotiate the legal issues that exist and resolve them by way of a separation agreement. A negotiated settlement, for a number of reasons, is always better than going to court.

Mediate, Don’t Litigate

A mantra I have employed in my practice has been ‘mediate, don’t litigate’. Litigation is expensive and can add emotional fuel to the fire. For that reason, among many others, every effort should be made to resolve the outstanding issues through negotiation.

Sometimes, however, for the reasons that prevented counseling from succeeding, negotiation can be challenging. Despite that, resolving the issues with an agreement is the better way by far. I will address those reasons more fully in the next post.

If you have tried couples counseling without success you may wish to obtain legal advice. To find out how family law may impact your specific set of circumstances, call my office today to arrange for a no-obligation consultation. If you are separating from your spouse in the Upper St. John River Valley of New Brunswick, please note that you may engage with my office from the comfort of your own home via video conference call on the zoom, skype or google platforms. Call my home office at 506-991-0240

If you intend to represent yourself in family court, in an estate litigation matter or if you are facing a criminal charge in any Canadian province, you can access on-going litigation support, advice and assistance with completing court documents.

Family Law Woodstock offers a very low-cost program where you can access the legal help you need! Represent yourself with confidence! Get the legal help and support from my office at a very low cost. Access on-going legal help from my office at every stage of the proceeding from as little as $50.00 CDN per month. Call my office today if you think you might be interested in learning more. You can consult with my office from the comfort of your own home via video conference.

Call today to arrange your appointment.

GRANT EDWARD RAYNER B.COMM., LL.B.
Member Law Society of Ontario since 1985.*

If you are separating from your spouse in the Upper St. John River Valley of New Brunswick, call Langdon Law at 506.497.2560 for a consultation. Offices in Woodstock, Hartland and Florenceville-Bristol to serve you.

*Grant is a member of the Law Society of Ontario. He has permission from the Law Society of New Brunswick to practice as a visiting lawyer with the firm Langdon Law pending the transfer of his membership with the Law Society in Ontario to the Law Society of New Brunswick.

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