Warning signs that a new romantic partner may have abusive or violent tendencies

We know that, in North America, the divorce rate is approximately 50%. Sadly, many relationships do not survive due to verbal, emotional, financial and physical and sexual abuse. Is there a way to avoid entering into a relationship with someone who cannot control their anger, who seeks to dominate and who can even become violent?

If you’re worried about someone you’ve just started dating, trust your instincts. Early red flags can escalate, and recognizing them can help you stay safe. Here’s a practical guide to identifying concerning patterns, plus steps you can take.

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Early red flags to watch for

1) Controlling behaviors

This is an obvious red flag. However, it is not always obvious at the outset of a new relationship. Here are things to watch for as your relationship unfolds.

• Attempts to Isolate you from friends and family: limiting who you see, what you do, or where you go.
• Rules or constant monitoring: telling you how to dress, who to talk to, when to text back.
• Sudden mood shifts when you don’t comply or when they feel threatened.

2) Possessiveness and jealousy

• Frequent accusations of flirting with others without reason.
• Demands to know your whereabouts at all times or who you’re with.

3) Verbal aggression or demeaning language

• Put-downs, sarcasm, or insults framed as jokes.
• Threats or intimidation (including sarcasm that masks a threat).

4) Blaming and gaslighting

• Refusing responsibility for their actions and making you question your memory or perception.
• Denying abusive incidents or making you feel overly responsible for their anger.

5) Rapid escalation of intimacy or dependency

• Pressuring you for sex or emotional intensity too quickly.
• Promising and threatening outcomes (“If you leave me, you’ll regret it.”).

6) Mood swings and unpredictable anger

• Explosive outbursts over minor issues.
• Retaliation or punishment for small “wrongs.”

7) Prior history of abuse

• They minimize or justify aggression, or claim “everyone has a temper.”
• Reports of abuse in past relationships (even if they claim to have changed).

8) Manipulation and emotional blackmail

• Guilt trips, threats to hurt themselves, or portraying themselves as the victim to control you.

9) Boundary testing

• Repeatedly pushing against your boundaries after you’ve stated them clearly.

10) Safety around others

• You notice you feel unsafe or anxious around them, especially in public or around others.

11. Alcohol or Substance Abuse

If your partner abuses drugs or alcohol, this is often a sign of underlying mental health issues. Life is difficult enough. If your partner wrestles with alcohol, drugs or mental health issues, these challenges will, inevitably, have a serious impact on your own sense of well-being and your ability to function successfully.

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What to do if you notice red flags

• Trust your instincts: your safety matters more than “fixing” the relationship.
• Tell someone you trust: a friend, family member, or colleague. Share your concerns and plan.
• Document concerning behavior: dates, messages, or incidents. This can be important if you need to seek help.
• Establish protective boundaries: clearly state what is and isn’t acceptable.
• Create a safety plan:
  • Identify a safe place you can go to if you feel in danger.
  • Have a emergency contact you can call.
  • Keep important documents and essentials accessible.

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When to consider getting help

• If there are threats of harm toward you or others.
• If you feel you’re in immediate danger.
• If abusive behavior is escalating or persistent, even if you’re not fully sure yet.
• Finally, and most importantly, if you are victimized by a physical assault, call police immediately. Do not hesitate. Do not try to rationalize your partner’s behavior. Someone capable of a physical assault, almost always harbors serious mental health issues. If you are the victim of a physical or sexual assault this is your very obvious signal that this will not be a healthy relationship.

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Resources (global directions)

• If you’re in immediate danger: contact local emergency services.
• Reach out to local domestic violence hotlines or shelters for confidential guidance.
• Consider speaking with a professional mental health provider or a trusted clinician for support and safety planning.

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Quick self-check: a few reflective questions

• Do they get angry and lash out when you set a boundary or say “no”?
• Do they frequently threaten you, themselves, or others?
• Are you consistently worried about how they’ll react to everyday situations?
• Have you noticed controlling or isolating behaviors that weren’t there at the start?

If you answered “yes” to some of these questions, prioritizing safety and seeking support is critical for your on-going safety. Even if there is no physical assault, constant exposure to ridicule, questioning or any form of verbal or emotional abuse will take it’s toll on your own mental health and can lead to anxiety, depression or alcohol or substance abuse.

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Grant Edward Rayner B.Comm. LL.B.*

*Licensed to practice law in New Brunswick and Ontario since 1985.