It’s Not Their Fight

When a relationship between couples begins to disintegrate, it is always an emotional time. Regrettably, the emotions that can run very high are usually negative. If you are separating from your spouse and you have a child or children, please remember that this is not their fight. A couple can separate and divorce but that does not mean that the children want to divorce their parents!

When children are exposed to verbal altercations or even physical violence, in most cases the parents do not intend to have their children bear witness to the conflict. It just erupts with the children present. Sadly, however, there are cases where one or both of the partners cannot help involving their child or children to the dispute. Yes this does happen!

People sometimes let their anger get the best of them and the exercise of better judgement is cast aside. For example, a parent will sometimes disparage or denigrate the other parent in front of the children. Some parents encourage a child or children to take sides.

But, perhaps even worse, there are cases where a parent actively attempts to fully alienate the child from the other parent. Although these cases are rare, there have been instances where a parent has successfully managed to alienate their child or children from the other parent.

There are times when parents surrender to overpowering anger and are simply unable to control the urge to scream at one other at access exchanges. In cases such as these, the children are exposed to the unfortunate spectre of witnessing parents uttering threats against one another and hurling the most vulgar of epithets at one another. At times, police were called to intervene. Criminal charges can sometimes be the result when one or both parents are unable to control themselves.

Children can be remarkably resilient when the relationship between their parents begins to dissolve. However, when parents are separating from one another, it is always emotionally difficult for children and, especially if the child or children are younger, they may not have the emotional maturity to adequately cope with this situation.

Children at any age are not fully equipped emotionally if they bear witness to verbal or physical conflict between warring parents. More particularly, if a parent encourages the child to take sides, where a parent denigrates the other parent in front of the child or, in those rare cases where a parent intentionally engages in a campaign to alienate a child or children from the other parent, emotional damage is almost surely the consequence.

Almost invariably, the fallout that flows from these examples causes at least some emotional scarring in the child and, in many cases, the emotional residue will often lead to sometimes serious behavioral issues.

Behavioral issues that emerge when a child is entering their teen years can be very difficult to treat. By then, sadly, the emotional damage may be difficult to repair and, hence, may result in permanent emotional instability or inadequacy. This is always the risk when parents cannot insulate their child or children from the conflict between them.

Accordingly, if your relationship with your spouse is disintegrating, please remember that the issues between you and your spouse do not involve your children. It may be very difficult to navigate the emotional landscape when couples are separating. But, that being said, parents should always do their absolute best to keep their negative emotions in check. The best interests of your child or children require that those children are absolutely insulated from the conflict that exists between the two of you.

If you wish, you can find additional information on my Facebook page or YouTube channel. Links are set out below.

Grant Edward Rayner B.Comm., LL.B.*

If you are separating from your spouse in the Upper St. John River Valley of New Brunswick, call Langdon Law at 506.497.2560 for a consultation. Offices in Woodstock, Hartland and Florenceville-Bristol to serve you.

*Grant is a member of the Law Society of Ontario. He has permission from the Law Society of New Brunswick to practice as a visiting lawyer with the firm Langdon Law pending the transfer of his membership with the Law Society in Ontario to the Law Society of New Brunswick.

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Alternatively, if you think that you might benefit from the receipt of seasoned legal advice from a family law lawyer in Woodstock, New Brunswick or in the Upper River Valley, please contact my office for a no-obligation initial consultation. Please note that you can engage with my office from the comfort of your own home by way of a video conference.

Or, ask for details of my low-cost plans for assistance to self-represented litigants in family court. Plans include assistance with completion of family court forms, advice on the outstanding issues and what to expect from the court process. The plan is designed for self-represented litigants in family court in all Canadian provinces and start at $50.00 monthly.

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